1 00:00:01,212 --> 00:00:05,136 Whoever tipped me in monopoly money can go directly to jail. 2 00:00:06,055 --> 00:00:07,265 A dollar? 3 00:00:07,432 --> 00:00:10,396 Fake money and they're still under-tipping. 4 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:20,333 Oh, look. I love it when people dress Guinea pigs up in adorable costumes. 5 00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:26,512 Han, you look like babe Ruth. Well, baby Ruth. 6 00:00:27,012 --> 00:00:31,397 Maybe you two can kiss my sweet ass because this outfit's a home run. 7 00:00:32,816 --> 00:00:35,321 I'm putting a team together for the restaurant league. 8 00:00:35,488 --> 00:00:39,121 Well, han, I would play, but, you know, I got this hip thing. 9 00:00:39,288 --> 00:00:41,750 Meaning, I'm too hip. 10 00:00:42,502 --> 00:00:45,508 What about you two? I'm telling you, I'm a great ball player. 11 00:00:45,967 --> 00:00:47,762 No, I'm a great ball player. 12 00:00:47,929 --> 00:00:51,562 I know how to cup and tickle mine at the same time. 13 00:00:52,522 --> 00:00:55,528 I'm talking about America's favorite pastime. 14 00:00:55,695 --> 00:00:57,824 Oh, so am I. 15 00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:03,169 Well, I'm in. I have a really good arm. 16 00:01:03,336 --> 00:01:06,216 Go over there, han. Let's have a little catch. 17 00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:09,055 All right, here we go. All right. 18 00:01:09,222 --> 00:01:12,145 Go deep. Go deeper, han. 19 00:01:12,312 --> 00:01:16,445 A phrase no other woman will ever say to him. 20 00:01:17,739 --> 00:01:20,578 Throw it, and don't be afraid to bring the heat. 21 00:01:26,715 --> 00:01:28,844 Too much heat. 22 00:01:29,011 --> 00:01:32,560 Ball one and two. Game over. 23 00:01:33,019 --> 00:01:36,402 I seem to have forgotten a crucial part of my uniform. 24 00:01:37,696 --> 00:01:39,616 Need a cup, han? 25 00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:54,271 You ladies can wait in here. 26 00:01:54,438 --> 00:01:57,485 Brian, before my father comes in, how are his spirits? 27 00:01:57,652 --> 00:02:01,075 You know, for someone who's looking at 60 to 100 years in prison. 28 00:02:01,243 --> 00:02:03,998 Pretty good. I'll bring him right in. 29 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:08,132 - Hey, bri, anyone get killed today? - You ask me that every time, Max. 30 00:02:08,299 --> 00:02:11,388 And every time I tell you, it's a white-collar prison. 31 00:02:11,555 --> 00:02:15,313 Got it. Anyone get shanked with a montblanc pen? 32 00:02:16,398 --> 00:02:17,651 Yo, b, one more thing. 33 00:02:17,817 --> 00:02:21,158 On lockup: Raw they spray guards with a mixture of urine and feces... 34 00:02:21,325 --> 00:02:24,289 Max, please. Can we go one day without you mentioning that? 35 00:02:25,123 --> 00:02:28,214 I wonder why my dad wanted us to rush out here and see him today. 36 00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:30,843 - He probably wants a conjugal visit. - Max. 37 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:33,766 Relax. With me. 38 00:02:35,645 --> 00:02:38,484 There they are. The light of my life and her bouncer. 39 00:02:38,651 --> 00:02:41,323 - Hi, daddy. - Hey. 40 00:02:41,490 --> 00:02:44,663 - Max. - Oh, we starting this? No foreplay? 41 00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:46,208 Martin: Oh. 42 00:02:48,587 --> 00:02:51,593 Listen, I'm sorry to make you come all the way out here... 43 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:56,854 on the, god help me, subway, but I actually needed a favor. 44 00:02:58,733 --> 00:03:00,319 [Whispers] Help me break out. 45 00:03:01,697 --> 00:03:02,991 [In normal voice] I'm kidding. 46 00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:06,415 Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke, but maybe not around Max. 47 00:03:06,582 --> 00:03:10,715 She's already offered to skin a guard alive and walk you out of here wearing him. 48 00:03:11,216 --> 00:03:13,637 Well, we know it works. 49 00:03:13,804 --> 00:03:17,729 All right, listen. This woman who used to work for me is being paid $1 million... 50 00:03:17,896 --> 00:03:20,276 to write a tell-all book about me. 51 00:03:20,443 --> 00:03:24,826 A million dollars? How much can I get for a tell-all book about Caroline? 52 00:03:24,993 --> 00:03:27,749 Chapter one: Sleep farts. 53 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,382 Max, please, can we go one day without you mentioning that? 54 00:03:32,132 --> 00:03:35,431 The woman's name is Sandra rosenthal. Caroline, do you remember her? 55 00:03:35,598 --> 00:03:38,979 Yes, the one who lied on her résumé, the one who couldn't even add. 56 00:03:39,146 --> 00:03:43,113 And worse than that, she wore brown with black together. 57 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,204 - I like brown and black together. - I know. 58 00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:50,586 Wait, why would anybody pay that woman so much? 59 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:53,676 - What is she saying she has? - She's claiming she was fired... 60 00:03:53,843 --> 00:03:56,849 because she had insider information about the Ponzi scandal. 61 00:03:57,015 --> 00:03:59,521 And that we were sleeping together, which we weren't. 62 00:03:59,688 --> 00:04:00,731 Of course you weren't. 63 00:04:00,898 --> 00:04:04,238 You would never sleep with someone who wore brown with black together. 64 00:04:04,406 --> 00:04:09,123 Man, I haven't seen this much hatred toward brown and black since the '50s. 65 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,295 I wanted you to hear it from me first. 66 00:04:11,462 --> 00:04:15,428 She's about to go on piers Morgan live and she can say whatever she wants. 67 00:04:15,595 --> 00:04:18,309 No, she can't because I'll be there to refute her lies. 68 00:04:18,476 --> 00:04:20,480 I'll defend you with dignity and class... 69 00:04:20,646 --> 00:04:23,819 and my new lipstick i just found on the subway. 70 00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:26,533 Wow, piers Morgan. That dude's legit. 71 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:30,583 He's got his show, he's got piers one imports. 72 00:04:31,585 --> 00:04:33,672 I don't know what I'd without you, Princess. 73 00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:36,260 You're the only person I can trust. 74 00:04:36,428 --> 00:04:40,603 Now, get out of here because I gotta speak to Max privately for a second. 75 00:04:40,770 --> 00:04:42,982 - Oh. Sure. Okay, i... - Just go. 76 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,905 Daddy wants to talk to me privately. 77 00:04:46,657 --> 00:04:48,410 - Love you, sweetie. - Love you, daddy. 78 00:04:48,577 --> 00:04:50,790 Brian, I'll just be right outside. 79 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,460 [Inaudible dialogue] 80 00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:58,096 - So, Max... - You know I'm all talk, right? 81 00:04:58,597 --> 00:05:03,399 I need you to tell Caroline something i couldn't bring myself to say. 82 00:05:03,566 --> 00:05:08,283 This woman is also claiming i have a small penis. 83 00:05:09,494 --> 00:05:15,046 Wait. So I stayed behind to see it? 84 00:05:17,343 --> 00:05:19,305 No. 85 00:05:19,890 --> 00:05:23,021 I want you to tell Caroline so she'll be prepared... 86 00:05:23,188 --> 00:05:26,319 because I'm pretty sure that's the lie that got the book sold. 87 00:05:26,486 --> 00:05:28,323 How big of a lie? 88 00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:33,166 Oh, a really big one. 89 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,178 So, what did you and my father talk about? 90 00:05:39,346 --> 00:05:41,850 I don't wanna tell you, I'm uncomfortable. 91 00:05:42,017 --> 00:05:43,854 You're uncomfortable? 92 00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:47,027 This must be bad. You've never been uncomfortable in your life. 93 00:05:47,194 --> 00:05:49,323 Is it drugs? Cancer? 94 00:05:49,491 --> 00:05:52,914 Did he fall in love in prison? I'll be fine with it, you can tell me. 95 00:05:53,081 --> 00:05:54,918 When we had money, i was very active... 96 00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:58,299 in the park Avenue straights for gay doormen alliance. 97 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,642 [Men whooping] 98 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:07,694 Is this some kind of weird gang or did a game just let out? 99 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:09,656 Max, come on, tell me. 100 00:06:09,823 --> 00:06:12,870 Fine. The woman's gonna say your father has a small... 101 00:06:13,037 --> 00:06:14,290 [horn tooting] 102 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,883 Sir, your vuvuzela is very loud and very 2010. 103 00:06:19,384 --> 00:06:20,970 My father has a what? 104 00:06:21,137 --> 00:06:22,306 He has a small... 105 00:06:22,473 --> 00:06:23,601 [horn tooting] 106 00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:25,730 Seriously, the game's over. 107 00:06:25,897 --> 00:06:28,736 And how on earth you have a wedding ring is beyond me. 108 00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,740 What is she gonna say about him? 109 00:06:30,907 --> 00:06:32,117 [Horns tooting] 110 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:33,871 I can't hear you! 111 00:06:34,038 --> 00:06:38,839 She's going to say, "your father has a small penis!" 112 00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:43,389 He thought it'd be less awkward if I told you. Was it? 113 00:06:43,557 --> 00:06:47,189 I can't believe that Sandra rosenthal woman. There's another lie. 114 00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:49,736 - Why, have you seen it? - No, I haven't seen it. 115 00:06:49,903 --> 00:06:52,575 I never wanna see it. Have you seen your father's penis? 116 00:06:52,742 --> 00:06:55,080 If I did, it was waving goodbye. 117 00:06:58,879 --> 00:07:01,760 Max, I've thought a lot about it and I can't sit there... 118 00:07:01,927 --> 00:07:05,350 while that woman waves my father's penis in piers Morgan's face. 119 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:10,110 You're lucky it's not Anderson Cooper because he'd be giggling up a storm. 120 00:07:10,569 --> 00:07:14,159 I have a plan. My goal on this show is gonna be to discredit that woman... 121 00:07:14,326 --> 00:07:17,207 and tell people, even though my father did a bad thing... 122 00:07:17,374 --> 00:07:21,424 he did some wonderful things as well. Look, here he is working with unicef. 123 00:07:21,591 --> 00:07:23,971 Here he is rebuilding Haiti. 124 00:07:24,138 --> 00:07:26,225 Aw. This is a cute picture of him water-skiing... 125 00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:27,854 at a charity event on lake Tahoe. 126 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,029 What's the charity, white men without golf clubs? 127 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:35,410 That's my plan. Hopefully, going on that show will put an end... 128 00:07:35,578 --> 00:07:37,957 to all these ridiculous rumors about my father. 129 00:07:38,876 --> 00:07:41,172 Hey, Caroline. 130 00:07:44,011 --> 00:07:48,937 Yeah. The word on the street is your dad's got a wee-nis. 131 00:07:49,648 --> 00:07:52,487 - Sophie, how did you hear about that? - Oleg told me. 132 00:07:53,446 --> 00:07:55,910 It came up on my Google penis alerts. 133 00:07:56,077 --> 00:07:58,582 I like to keep current, see what the trends are. 134 00:07:58,749 --> 00:08:00,753 You don't wanna be that middle-aged guy... 135 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,509 wearing the same penis you had in high school. 136 00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:08,560 Great. Now it's all over the Internet and my shoulders are all up around my ears. 137 00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:11,983 Look, I'm too tense to even shake my head no at that liar woman... 138 00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:14,196 which was gonna be my key move. 139 00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:17,369 I need a massage but I'm broke. 140 00:08:17,662 --> 00:08:19,916 Caroline, I'll give you a massage. 141 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,047 Get ready for a sad ending. 142 00:08:23,507 --> 00:08:25,301 And beginning and middle. 143 00:08:27,347 --> 00:08:30,646 There. Oh, yeah. 144 00:08:31,063 --> 00:08:32,817 How does that feel? 145 00:08:32,984 --> 00:08:37,242 Like baby spiders are dancing on my shoulders. 146 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:42,044 You're the first Asian I've seen that can't give a massage. 147 00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:50,143 Hey, Caroline, I'll treat you and Max to a massage at my fancy spa. 148 00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:52,189 Cool, I've never been to a spa. 149 00:08:52,355 --> 00:08:54,401 The closest I've been is sticking my arm... 150 00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:57,617 in the free blood-pressure machine at walgreens. 151 00:08:58,076 --> 00:09:00,998 Wait, that's for your arm? 152 00:09:05,925 --> 00:09:07,929 Thanks for the massage. It was very nice... 153 00:09:08,096 --> 00:09:10,392 Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea. 154 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:19,326 That was amazing. 155 00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:24,294 I mean, a guy rubbed me for an hour and didn't expect anything back? 156 00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:27,885 This massage stuff could catch on. 157 00:09:29,054 --> 00:09:31,559 I could not let go during my massage. 158 00:09:31,726 --> 00:09:34,440 Oh, was letting go an option? 159 00:09:34,858 --> 00:09:37,237 I was close, but I didn't wanna get halfway there... 160 00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:39,408 and have the management throw me out. 161 00:09:39,575 --> 00:09:42,707 I'm just so tense. Piers Morgan asks some difficult questions. 162 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:45,170 Last week, he asked the spring breakers cast... 163 00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,759 their thoughts on the north Korea situation. 164 00:09:48,761 --> 00:09:51,056 - Shh! - Sorry. 165 00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:54,062 Max, this is a quiet room. We have to be quiet. 166 00:09:54,229 --> 00:09:56,484 Hi, girls! 167 00:09:57,862 --> 00:09:59,824 I'm getting myself some fancy water. 168 00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:03,581 Look, they've got lemon, orange, and cucumber. 169 00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:08,549 - Ha. It's like a slot machine over here. - Shh! 170 00:10:15,021 --> 00:10:18,361 I just had the best bamboo massage. 171 00:10:18,528 --> 00:10:20,323 Oh, they kept whacking me with it... 172 00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:25,333 until I confessed to stealing that bread when I was 7. 173 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,089 Oh, what a load off. 174 00:10:28,882 --> 00:10:31,721 Caroline, you still look a little tense. 175 00:10:31,888 --> 00:10:35,938 But I guess having to talk about your father's junk on national television... 176 00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:38,568 will do that to a girl. 177 00:10:38,735 --> 00:10:42,617 I will not be speaking about my father's junk on television. 178 00:10:43,244 --> 00:10:48,672 No, I can't have lunch tomorrow. I'm doing piers Morgan live. 179 00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:53,181 Caroline: You won't believe what just happened. 180 00:10:53,347 --> 00:10:56,103 You joined a demonic cult? 181 00:10:56,270 --> 00:10:59,151 Sandra, the liar writing the tell-all book, just walked in. 182 00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:00,361 [Max gasps] 183 00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:02,825 She's getting a day of beauty too? 184 00:11:02,992 --> 00:11:06,373 This is like the gayest training for a fight ever. 185 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:08,544 Sandra? 186 00:11:08,712 --> 00:11:10,340 Right this way. 187 00:11:10,507 --> 00:11:14,139 Lay face down. I'll give you a few minutes and I'll be right back in. 188 00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:17,897 Perfect. I really need this massage. Promoting my new book is exhausting. 189 00:11:18,064 --> 00:11:19,734 I'm sorry if that sounded braggy. 190 00:11:19,901 --> 00:11:23,282 I guess that's how you sound when things are going so great for you. 191 00:11:24,702 --> 00:11:26,372 Poor masseuse is gonna be forced... 192 00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:28,961 to listen to her yammer on about her dumb book. 193 00:11:29,127 --> 00:11:31,382 Then again, mine had to hear me constantly say: 194 00:11:31,549 --> 00:11:33,720 "Don't be afraid of the boobs." 195 00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:39,439 We should be hearing about that dumb book so I know what I'm up against. 196 00:11:39,606 --> 00:11:42,028 If there was only a way to get in that room. 197 00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:47,622 Oh. Anyone can get into any room if they really want to. 198 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:53,217 I mean, do you think that I was invited to the audition for the 2004 boat show? 199 00:11:53,676 --> 00:11:57,601 Yeah. Go. I'll take care of that masseuse. 200 00:11:57,768 --> 00:11:59,814 Sophie, you're not gonna hurt her, right? 201 00:11:59,981 --> 00:12:03,529 No. I'm gonna try tipping her first. 202 00:12:12,422 --> 00:12:14,051 I'm back. 203 00:12:14,217 --> 00:12:19,269 Yes, I was just out in the hall with you and now here I am in the room with you. 204 00:12:19,436 --> 00:12:21,732 The same person. 205 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:26,533 Just keep your head down, don't look up and relax. 206 00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:31,710 - You're not gonna talk a lot, are you? - No, but you should feel free to. 207 00:12:31,878 --> 00:12:34,884 Whatever's on your mind, or in that book. 208 00:12:35,051 --> 00:12:36,262 [Chimes ringing] 209 00:12:36,428 --> 00:12:38,683 Sandra: What...? What was that? - That? 210 00:12:38,850 --> 00:12:41,188 That's just me, alone... 211 00:12:41,355 --> 00:12:44,319 creating a healing space with energy and sound. 212 00:12:44,486 --> 00:12:45,571 [Chimes ringing] 213 00:12:45,738 --> 00:12:48,244 Lots of sound. 214 00:12:48,996 --> 00:12:51,125 So you're writing a big book. 215 00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:53,671 Do you wanna tell me all about that? 216 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,968 Sandra: Well, it's about this guy Martin Channing. 217 00:12:56,135 --> 00:13:01,478 Oh, he is very nice and very respectable. 218 00:13:01,645 --> 00:13:05,611 You won't think that after you read my book. I am really gonna stick it to him. 219 00:13:05,778 --> 00:13:08,743 Okay, now you're just pushing me. Oh! 220 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,252 Uh... how did you...? 221 00:13:17,218 --> 00:13:18,304 I.... 222 00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:24,107 How...? How did you do that? It feels like you have three hands. 223 00:13:27,990 --> 00:13:30,495 That's how good I am. 224 00:13:31,664 --> 00:13:33,709 Sandra: This is supposed to be a hot-stone massage. 225 00:13:33,877 --> 00:13:35,380 Coming right up. 226 00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:37,509 [Chimes ringing] 227 00:13:37,676 --> 00:13:39,388 The hot stones. 228 00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:43,521 [Chimes ringing] 229 00:13:48,364 --> 00:13:51,537 All right, here come the hot stones. 230 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,169 Sandra: Oh! 231 00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:59,720 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. I'm really loosening up. 232 00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:03,185 Oh, well, then let's loosen you up some more. More stones. 233 00:14:03,352 --> 00:14:04,396 [Mouths] No. 234 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:06,608 More stones. 235 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,414 Sandra: Yeah, I got paid a lot of money for my tell-all book... 236 00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:16,712 and I am really gonna tell all. Oh! 237 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,386 Not there. Not there. 238 00:14:20,553 --> 00:14:22,599 What...? What is going on in here? 239 00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:26,732 What is happening here, Sandra, is you're about to go on national TV... 240 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:30,114 and tell America lies about my father. He never slept with you. 241 00:14:30,281 --> 00:14:35,875 Oh, did he never sleep with me in your bedroom, on your pink canopy bed? 242 00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:40,259 You know what? That never happened. That's insane. You're crazy. 243 00:14:40,426 --> 00:14:41,762 It's my word against yours. 244 00:14:41,930 --> 00:14:44,142 You're gonna be very embarrassed on TV. 245 00:14:44,309 --> 00:14:47,232 But not as embarrassed as you're gonna be in the spa lobby... 246 00:14:47,399 --> 00:14:51,532 when I tell everyone that I was touched inappropriately by Caroline Channing. 247 00:14:51,698 --> 00:14:53,828 You are not gonna tell anybody that. 248 00:14:53,995 --> 00:14:55,415 Who's gonna stop me? 249 00:14:55,873 --> 00:14:59,423 Hey, girls, i was listening outside the door. 250 00:14:59,589 --> 00:15:01,760 Everything okay? 251 00:15:07,856 --> 00:15:11,738 Max, I don't know if I can do this. What if Sandra's telling the truth? 252 00:15:11,905 --> 00:15:15,037 She did know about my pink canopy bed. How would she know that? 253 00:15:15,204 --> 00:15:18,210 Because everyone knows Barbie comes with a dream car, a pony... 254 00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:20,966 and a pink canopy bed included. 255 00:15:21,842 --> 00:15:25,558 There he is. There's piers Morgan. Live. 256 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:29,942 Do you think it's too soon to ask him to give me a discount at piers one? 257 00:15:30,485 --> 00:15:33,866 He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis. 258 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,705 But what if he does? Max, I can't do this. 259 00:15:36,872 --> 00:15:38,501 Give me your phone. 260 00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:42,008 You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. 261 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,221 Look, here he is working with unicef. 262 00:15:44,387 --> 00:15:47,978 And here he is water-skiing on lake rich person. 263 00:15:48,145 --> 00:15:50,274 Look at that smile. Is that the smile of...? 264 00:15:50,441 --> 00:15:52,153 Hold up. 265 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,157 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 266 00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:57,038 What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? 267 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,421 I think your father's junk is trying to tell me... 268 00:16:01,588 --> 00:16:03,843 there's gonna be six more weeks of winter. 269 00:16:04,803 --> 00:16:06,056 What are you saying? 270 00:16:06,223 --> 00:16:12,610 I'm saying someone had a tip slip and that is not a small tip. 271 00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:17,997 And as a waitress and a loose woman, i know a small tip when I see one. 272 00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:20,877 - Here. - Oh! 273 00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:28,475 Sorry. Sorry. She just showed me a picture of Anne hathaway's new haircut. 274 00:16:31,315 --> 00:16:34,237 Well, this is good because it proves that woman is lying. 275 00:16:34,404 --> 00:16:36,575 Yep. We just have to show this to piers. 276 00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:39,664 I told you I'm not going near my father's penis. 277 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:44,424 All I have to do is point out that that woman has no finance skills. 278 00:16:44,591 --> 00:16:46,720 Unlike her, we are taking the high road. 279 00:16:46,887 --> 00:16:48,933 Max, are you sending that to yourself? 280 00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:56,406 I'm here with Sandra rosenthal who just signed a huge book deal... 281 00:16:56,573 --> 00:16:59,871 to do a kiss-and-tell on disgraced financier, Martin Channing. 282 00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:01,917 - Welcome to you, Sandra. - Hello, piers. 283 00:17:02,085 --> 00:17:04,381 Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. 284 00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:06,260 It's a story, all right. 285 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,889 Wow, so we're right into it. Okay, let me catch up. 286 00:17:09,057 --> 00:17:12,272 My other guest is Caroline Channing, daughter of Martin Channing... 287 00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:14,776 who, to put it mildly, is claiming your book... 288 00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:17,907 - Ms. rosenthal, is a bunch of bull. - That's right, piers. 289 00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:19,715 [In British accent] "It's pure rubbish"... 290 00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:21,456 [In normal voice] As your people say. 291 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,671 That was perfectly American. 292 00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:28,387 Let me start with you. To catch everybody up... 293 00:17:28,554 --> 00:17:31,685 Ms. rosenthal's large book advance has to do with something... 294 00:17:31,852 --> 00:17:35,568 that turned out to be, by your words, very small. Comments, Ms. Channing? 295 00:17:35,735 --> 00:17:37,071 Max: Psst! 296 00:17:37,238 --> 00:17:38,324 Psst! 297 00:17:39,242 --> 00:17:42,248 I'd rather not comment about that, piers, because I have class. 298 00:17:42,415 --> 00:17:44,419 But I have a question for Ms. rosenthal... 299 00:17:44,586 --> 00:17:48,218 who was hired by my father because she claimed she had a degree in finance. 300 00:17:48,385 --> 00:17:51,433 Ms. rosenthal, if a train carrying 27 passengers... 301 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,524 leaves grand central station at 9 A.M., travels 800 miles to Chicago... 302 00:17:55,691 --> 00:17:59,073 arriving at 5 P.M., how fast was it traveling? 303 00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:01,119 Well, i... 304 00:18:01,286 --> 00:18:02,747 Simple math, piers. 305 00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:05,461 - A hundred miles an hour. - I'm sorry? 306 00:18:05,628 --> 00:18:08,634 That's your answer. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete. 307 00:18:09,094 --> 00:18:10,137 Impressive. 308 00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:12,308 I've got a math equation for you. 309 00:18:12,475 --> 00:18:16,942 If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel, do I even know it's there? 310 00:18:18,404 --> 00:18:20,199 Ladies, this isn't Maury povich. 311 00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:24,249 - Psst! - I'm simply trying to illustrate... 312 00:18:24,416 --> 00:18:26,336 that she should've been able to answer it... 313 00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:29,134 had she been qualified for her job in finance. 314 00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:33,142 Everything that I'm writing in the book is true, piers. 315 00:18:33,309 --> 00:18:36,732 There is nothing that I have said that she can prove is untrue. 316 00:18:40,948 --> 00:18:44,664 Wait a minute. Why is there a woman under my desk? 317 00:18:44,831 --> 00:18:46,835 Oh, is there, piers? 318 00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:50,384 Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people, and he's paying for that. 319 00:18:50,551 --> 00:18:52,305 But I'm not gonna sit by silently... 320 00:18:52,472 --> 00:18:54,976 while she exploits him with lies for her own gain. 321 00:18:55,144 --> 00:18:59,486 Piers, there's so much about my father i want you to know. Like he... 322 00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:07,125 What is this? 323 00:19:07,502 --> 00:19:10,466 Well, I know what it is. I've got one. 324 00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:12,762 But whose is it, and why am I looking at it? 325 00:19:13,347 --> 00:19:15,100 It's my father's. 326 00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,522 He had a bit of a tip slip. 327 00:19:18,899 --> 00:19:21,571 Madame, I don't know what you're looking for in a man... 328 00:19:21,738 --> 00:19:26,038 but this is far from inadequate. 329 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:31,591 In fact, it's so far from inadequate that I'm bringing this interview... 330 00:19:31,758 --> 00:19:35,891 to an immediate close. Your book, and you, lack any credibility. 331 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:37,520 That's it. 332 00:19:42,070 --> 00:19:46,663 "Can you hook me up with a discount at piers one imports?" 333 00:19:50,713 --> 00:19:53,594 They'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book. 334 00:19:53,761 --> 00:19:57,351 Remember, we already have chapter one, "sleep farts." 335 00:19:57,518 --> 00:20:00,733 Chapter two, "my new step-mom, Max." 336 00:20:03,489 --> 00:20:05,868 Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever? 337 00:20:06,035 --> 00:20:07,079 Probably. 338 00:20:07,246 --> 00:20:09,876 - But don't worry, I'll be there to help. - Thank you. 339 00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:13,342 Because it's a wife's job to defend her husband. 340 00:20:14,386 --> 00:20:17,934 It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison for the rest of his life. 341 00:20:18,101 --> 00:20:20,773 Don't think of it like that. He's not just in prison. 342 00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:24,196 He's in Africa working with unicef, he's in Haiti... 343 00:20:24,364 --> 00:20:26,743 he's water-skiing on lake rich person... 344 00:20:26,910 --> 00:20:30,041 and he's on the desktop of my computer. 345 00:20:31,545 --> 00:20:33,632 I should delete that. 346 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,218 Where'd I leave my phone? 347 00:20:38,892 --> 00:20:41,063 God, are you looking at the picture of my dad? 348 00:20:41,230 --> 00:20:44,111 We are. Respect. 349 00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:47,910 So very much respect. 350 00:20:48,202 --> 00:20:51,250 Eh, I've seen better. 351 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,672 Every day. 352 00:20:56,511 --> 00:20:57,597 Give me that. 353 00:20:57,764 --> 00:20:59,057 Oh!